An Elf and his Cat
by Valanya
Summary: Another of my random fics, starring Legolas and - as the title suggests - his cat. R&R please!
1. EEEEEEEEEP!

A/N: Simple, random fic. Same kinda thing as 'Tales of an Elf' and 'More Tales of an Elf'. In fact, this could very well be a 'Tales of an Elf' spin off. We shall have to wait and see.

_Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings etc, but I do own or have joint ownership of anything you don't recognise._

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Legolas sighed, and flopped onto his bed. The downside of this action was that he landed on his cat, Naomi, who had been happily snoozing there for precisely 32 minutes. Once more, Legolas sighed, and disentangled Naomi's claws from his scalp. He was remarkably bored, and now even more so, having discovered that flopping onto your bed and on top of your cat was a really bad cure for boredom.

Naomi, ever forgiving, padded over to him and sat on his lap.

"Cheer up" She said, "You'll find something to do!"

"AAAAAAARGH!" Legolas screamed girlishly in reply to his cat's caring and sympathetic remark.

"Charming." Was the nonplussed Naomi's reaction.

"You can talk!"

"I know."

"Yes but...you can talk!"

"I know!"

"You never talked before!"

"Maybe I didn't feel like it."

"...You can talk!"

"Is it me, or is this conversation going round in circles? Now, you can either accept that I can talk and we can go on many strange and random adventures, or you can carry on repeating yourself and I'll go find a new elf, ok?"

"Ok, ok, I accept it. But you have to admit, talking cat's are rather rare."

"Yeah, well, you always knew I was special, right? Otherwise, why would you have kept calling me 'Special Widdle Puddy Cat'?"

Legolas reddened, "Well, I wasn't expecting you to reply, was I? Besides, most of the time I just called you Naomi..."

The Cat nodded gravely, "Yeah, about that. The name is Nogm."

"Nogm?"

"Yes."

"Okay then..."

"There is nothing wrong with the name Nogm!"

There was such a fierce look in Nogm's eyes that the elf hastily backed off.

"Ok, I'm sorry! Nogm is...er...a lovely name and it suits you very much."

"That's better. Now, what do you want to do to stop feeling so bored?"

"I don't know, if I knew, I'd be doing it by now and I wouldn't be bored anymore so you wouldn't be asking me what I wanted to do to stop being bored and I wouldn't have to be telling you that I don't know and that that fact's pretty obvious!"

Nogm simply sat back and watched as Legolas' face turned quite a pretty shade of purple from lack of oxygen. However, she refrained from commenting on this, as it would probably result in her getting kicked across the room. And, much as she liked the opposite wall, she wasn't really in the mood to go flying into it.

Instead, she put on her sympathetic kitty face; a face which had won her many kitty-treats over the years. Unfortunately, on this occasion Legolas was too busy being purple to notice.

"There there." She leapt onto his shoulders and steered him by strands of his hair out of the door. It wasn't until they had got halfway down the corridor that Legolas got back his breath and noticed.

"Erm...where are we going?"

"We are going, my dear elf, to get a horse and find an adventure so you won't be bored anymore!"

"Oh..."

"Would you rather stay at home and develop a lamp fetish?"

"I guess not."

"Then we will go on an adventure. Giddy up!"

"I am not a horse!"

"At least we have one thing in common."

"At least stop pulling on my hair..."

"Aww, but it's so fun! And I have to find some way to amuse myself that doesn't include catching mice or chasing my tail. A cat needs a little variety in her life."

"And that's why you're coming with me?"

"No. But who's going to feed me if I stay behind?"

"The other elves?"

"...I'm coming anyway!"

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A/N: There ya go, the first chapter of fanfic I've written in months! Hopefully you enjoyed it, review and tell me! Pretty please?

Oh yeah, Nogm's name is pronounced Nog-Umm, in case anybody wasn't sure about that. It's there at special request of the person Nogm's based on.


	2. Nogm the Sewing Wizard

A/N: Here it is, the second chapteroo. Hopefully this story will improve as it continues; I'm still rather rusty on the fic front. I had to have a break from it after started removing all my favourite stories 'cause they began to enforce their rules after several years (I presume).

Which leads me onto my next subject for this note: I think some of the limitations on here are extremely unfair; for example not being allowed to post second person/you stories or chat/script format fics. Because I think this is so unfair, I've started a petition to allow us to have these types of stories. If you agree with me, please email/review me and tell me your username and that you'd like to be on the petition.

_Disclaimer: See first page._

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"God damn thee!" Cried Nogm as they rounded a corner.

Legolas was hurt, "What did I do?"

"Nothing. It just seemed to be an appropriate point to say 'God damn thee!'"

"Oh. Right. Yes."

"You mean 'indeed'."

"Do I?"

"Yes."

"Why do I?"

Nogm rolled her eyes, "Because you're an elf, of course!"

"I'm confused."

"Good. Let's keep it that way."

Finally, after many amusing wrong turns and hilarious mishaps, Legolas and Nogm reached the stables.

"Leggy dahhling, your tunic's ripped."

"That would be because you ripped it."

"Let's not split hairs. The point is, you can't go out adventuring with a ripped tunic. Take it off."

Legolas blushed, "I can't take off my shirt in the middle of the stables!"

Nogm only smiled knowingly, "Go on, give the girls a treat."

"What?"

"I mean, there's no one around. Hurry up."

Legolas did as he was told, and fortunately for them there didn't happen to be any crazed fangirls hanging around that day. Nogm took the tunic, and began to sew it up, using a sewing machine which very handily had been placed in the corner for just such an emergency. Had she not been the pet of an elf, Nogm was very lucky in that she was extremely employable. Who wouldn't want a talking cat who was also a wizard on the sewing machine?

Once Legolas was fully dressed pauses to wait for disappointed sighs from fangirls to die down he mounted his horse, and Nogm leapt up behind him; onto the small pile of luggage which he kept in the stables for just such an emergency.

"Ready to go?" Queried our elfy person.

Nogm styled the fur on her head into a travelling/adventure style quiff, "Now I am!"

Legolas kicked the horse, and waited. Nothing happened. Deciding that the horse was probably just asleep, he kicked it again. The horse (whose name happened to be Darwin) went to take a step forward, but then stopped and resumed standing still.

Nogm, who had been lulled into sleep by the lack of anything actually happening, opened her eyes, then rolled them.

"Legolas, you forgot to untie the horse."

"I knew there was a flaw in my plan!"

"Shurrup and untie Darwin."

Legolas used his amazing elfy powers (i.e. his fingers) to untie the rope tethering Darwin, who was finally able to move off, albeit at quite a slow pace. Wiping the rope-untying related sweat off his forehead, Legs looked pleased with himself, "That was a tricky knot, you know."

"Leggy dear, I think it's best for everyone when you don't speak. Comprende?" Having, for better or worse, shut Legolas up, Nogm proceeded to whisper to Darwin. In turn, Darwin happily sped up, leaving Legolas gob smacked.

"Wow, you're a horse whisperer!"

"Well, technically I'm a cat whispering to a horse, which I guess makes me a _coarse_ whisperer." Legolas gave her a funny look. She sighed exasperatedly, "You have a filthy mind."

They trotted on happily for a few minutes, before a squirrel (who, incidentally, was very bored) began to chuck acorns at them. Nogm bared her teeth-like fangs at him, but unfortunately he was a very thick little squirrel, and didn't get the hint.

"Legless, can I eat him? He's annoying me."

"Firstly: no you can't. Secondly: never call me that again."

"Awww."

"From where I'm sitting, I can't actually see you, but I know you're pulling your sweet-pleading-kitty face. Stop it."

"Aww, ok. But can we speed up? This bit of wood's boring."

"I like this bit of wood!"

Just at that moment, a sheep stepped out onto the path next to them. Legolas let out a strangled scream, and forced Darwin into a gallop. Nogm help on tight, enjoying the ride. "Go, Legolas, go!"

When Legolas deemed that they had put enough distance between themselves and the sheep, he slowed Darwin to a walk. "So, any ideas as to where exactly we should go in order to have an adventure?"

"Well, I was kinda hoping an adventure would just come to us...I didn't really get much further than leaving the stables when I was planning. But, we're in Mirkwood, right? Something's bound to come along..."

They spent the next three hours riding along without speaking. Eventually, after a lot of careful though, Nogm piped up: "Screw this, let's just go to Rivendell and hope something turns up along the way."

"I think that may be the most sensible think I've ever heard you say."

"Considering you've only known I could talk for a few hours, that may well be true, my dear little Legolas."

"...I'm bigger than you."

"Yes, yes you are."

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Review replies...

a-muses-inspiration – Finished today, as promised. Despite dead-cat type interruptions.

Dreamality – Yup, I am indeed back :) Hope you liked the last chapter of MTOAE, by the way...

The Hobbit Lass – Thankies! As you cans see, updates are go.

Freak and proud – Glad you like her. She's very pleased to hear it :)

Pegasus – Hmm, I've never heard of that book. I hope it was good...


	3. A plan, a race and some nuts

A/N: Thanks to everybody who replied about the petition. Can I beg anybody who's supporting it to put info about it on any story/chapter they post, and email any responses back to me? Only I'm not going to get very many names through just this fic, so if anybody would help I'd appreciate it…

Also, this chapter is dedicated to the wonderful a-muses-inspiration, who gave me the coolest birthday card EVER last Wednesday!

_Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR. Unfortunately._

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"I think Darwin's tired."

Nogm glanced at Legolas, "How can you tell?"

"He's slowed to a snail's pace, he's very nearly dragging his head on the ground and his tongue's lolling out of his mouth. I'm pretty certain he's tired."

Luckily, right at that moment they rode into a clearing which had a handy stream off to one side.

"Odd how these places always turn up just when you need them" mused our dear little elf, dismounting and allowing Darwin to drink from the stream. However, what he had neglected to notice was the Nogm had once more fallen asleep, on top of Darwin's shoulders. Consequently, when he bent to take a drink, she slithered down his neck and splashed into the water.

The result being that Legolas suddenly found himself with a soaked and extremely angry cat on his lap.

"Charming. Absolutely charming!"

"…eh?"

"You couldn't have just…I don't know…taken me off the horse?!"

"Ohhhh…yeah. Sorry."

"Aren't you going to apologise?"

"I just did, didn't I?" Asked Legolas, wondering if he had once again begun to say things in his head rather than out loud.

"You did. I want you to do it again. This sort of thing requires more than one apology."

Fortunately for Legolas, at that precise moment the evil squirrel (the one who had been throwing nuts at them earlier) turned up, having followed Darwin's trail for many miles…just to continue throwing nuts at them.

"He really _is _bored, isn't he?" Legolas mused.

"And very, very stupid." Added Nogm, who magically had suddenly become dry.

Legolas surveyed his companion's gently steaming fur with interest. "Amazing. You get free sauna-treatment every time you get wet."

"Actually, this is the first time. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm standing directly under that huge magnifying glass which is up that tree and focussing the sunlight directly onto me."

"Maybe. Er, I think you might want to move before your fur catches on fire."

Nogm looked at her tail, which had ceased to steam and was now just starting to smoke, "I think that would be a very good idea."

She moved out of the sun, and then began to look from the magnifying glass to the squirrel and back again. In his turn, Legolas was too busy lying on the floor to think, and so simply waited for her to finish the plan she was so clearly concocting and tell it to him.

"Legolas, I have just been concocting a plan."

"I know."

"…Oh."

"What is it, then?"

"I was thinking that if we could convince the squirrel – who I have incidentally named Morris – to chuck some of those nuts into that really hot patch of light, they would set on fire."

"Oh wow, that's so brilliant! You know, I was just thinking as we rode along 'I wish we had some burnt up nuts, they have so many uses! We should never have set off without a load of burnt nuts, how on earth will we survive?'"

"It isn't nice to be sarcastic Legolas. Don't you like eating roast nuts?"

"Um, yeah…I didn't think about that."

"That, Leggy dear, is because you're a fool."

Legolas stuck out his bottom lip and went into a sulk, "If you're going to be mean, I'm not going to help with your plan…why does a cat want roasted nuts anyway?"

"If all you ever ate was cat food, you'd want a bit of variety occasionally too."

Legolas just 'hurumphed' and turned his back on her. Nogm sighed.

"Fine, fine, I'm sorry I called you a fool. Now come and help with my plan, because your forehead's getting quite a lot of little red marks where the nuts keep hitting you."

The elf considered it. "Oh, alright. I accept your apology. What do I have to do?"

Nogm very nearly fainted at how fast the headstrong Legolas had given in. That was, until she remembered that Leggy wasn't actually especially headstrong, which made his giving in rather less surprising. "Go and dance around behind the hot sunlight patch."

"But I don't like dancing. Why can't you dance?"

"Because I'm a cat."

"Cat's can dance."

"No they can't. Now go dance. Like a monkey. A specially trained monkey. Who dances."

With many a resentful glance, Legolas did indeed go and dance like a specially trained dancing monkey. And, surprisingly, the squirrel actually responded, in that he threw more nuts directly into the patch of sunlight, whereupon they burst into flame

Nogm, with her fast cat-reflexes, whipped the nuts out of the sun with her tail and blew them out, so that she and Legolas could sit down to a nice tasty meal of roasted nuts. Well, a nice tasty snack.

At that point, Morris finally realised that he'd been duped into actually _helping_ the very creatures he had just randomly decided to attack. He bristled with furry squirrel rage, and began to shout at them in his own little squirrel language.

Luckily, Legolas happened to speak this particular branch of squirrelish, and went to placate the fuming Morris. A rough translation of what he said would be this:

"That feline over there and I see that you are angry with us for using you to get roast nuts. To end this feud, I suggest a race between us to Mount Doom. If I get there first, you have to help us make more roast nuts. If you get there first, we'll leave you alone. Deal?"

Morris regarded Darwin, and in his little squirrel mind he believed himself to be faster than the horse. He nodded, and got into a starting position.

Legolas hopped onto Darwin, pulling Nogm up behind.

"Erm, Legs, what are we doing?"

"We're racing Morris to Mount Doom."

"Oh…at least it's something to do."

Suddenly, a passing bird squawked "Ready, steady, GO!" and they took off. After a few hundred yards, they were neck and neck, when Legolas began to rein Darwin in, letting Morris take the lead.

Nogm was shocked, and as Legolas pulled to a halt, she said, "Legolas! You're supposed to be racing to Mount Doom!"

The elf grinned wickedly, "That's what Morris thinks."

Nogm smiled in surprise.

"Legolas Greenleaf, you rebel!"

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a-muses-inspiration – I like turkey.

Dreamality – Well, I couldn't do a random Leggy-based fic without a sheep reference, could I? As for the petition, both issues are covered in the same petition, but you don't have to read chat/script format stories if you don't want to… (bribes Dreamality with a cookies and a Legolas doll)

Enelya – Ahahaha, then I must go and read it! In fact, I've been meaning to for several days, I just haven't gotten round to it (is shamefaced).

LilStripedTomato – Yup, Legs is indeed scared of sheep. Well, one sheep in particular (is mysterious). If you want to know all about Legs' sheep phobia, go and read one of my other fics, More Tales of an Elf. And before that, you may want to read Tales of an Elf, because otherwise it might not make sense. Not that any of my fics make sense anyway.

asyr – Thankies very much :)

Rhys – To be honest I've never read that. I probably should, seeing as this is reminding people of it!

Chibi Lauryn – Thanks! Yay, you were able to review :) IF you're reading this, I have now updated…which I hope is a good thing…


	4. CANOE just for fun

A/N: I don't know how many of you got the news that chapter 3 was up, seeing as I only got one review :( So I'm assuming that because at the time I put it up there were a lot of upgrades going on in , you didn't realise it was up.

Either that, or you all suddenly hate me. So anyway, if you've found your way here (and haven't done so already) go and read chapter three. Otherwise, this chapter will make even less sense.

_Disclaimer: Nope. I still don't own LOTR. I promise. Really. Not that I wouldn't if I had the choice, but you know how it is…_

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All of a sudden, Legolas realised they were by a river. Normally, being by a river wouldn't have bothered him, but he had the distinct feeling that this one had snuck up on him in a sneaky way.

After a few minutes of staring at it suspiciously, he remembered that he had actually followed it after the squirrel incident. In order to not look like a fool, he pretended that he was actually checking his hair in the water. Unfortunately, this made him look just as big a fool, if not more so. Naturally, Nogm couldn't simply let it slide.

"Legolas dear, would you mind letting me know why you suddenly stopped Darwin, and have been staring into the river for five minutes?"

"I was…erm…checking for fish!"

Once more, Nogm rolled her eyes, "I may be a cat, but I am not stupid. Which is more than can be said for you, my prettyfullest elf."

Just then, a remarkably scary thing happened: Legolas displayed some maturity. Instead of going off in a huff, yelling at Nogm or crying, he simple said, "Fair enough, you caught me. Shall we continue?"

Nogm nodded in mute astonishment. She had expected, at the very least, an angry-elfling-type outburst. Her world was all askew.

Thankfully, just ten minutes later, something came along to distract her. They had been slowly walking along the river bank, when they spied a large sign. This sign wasn't actually very hard to miss (being large an' all), and it pointed right to the edge of the river, where several canoes were neatly tethered. The sign read 'CANOE just for fun!', so naturally they went over to check it out.

At first it seemed that whoever was running this canoe centre was having a coffee break, but then Darwin spotted something small and furry swimming around the boats.

"Erm…hello?" called Legolas, not entirely sure that the thing could hear him.

However, the furry thing poked its head out of the water, and fixed them with an interested stare. It had the body of a fish, but was covered in hair and had a long, bushy tail.

"How can I help you?"

"…What are you?"

"I'm a squirrelfish, what did you think I would be?"

"I honestly have no idea."

"Well, anyway, I'm a squirrelfish, I run the canoe centre, and my name is Bird."

"Bird?" Nogm, being a cat, knew that generally, birds were called 'Bird', and Bird was most definitely not a bird. She then crossed her eyes as she realised that she'd completely managed to confuse herself.

Bird grinned a cheeky grin, "Yes, 'Bird'. I like to confuse people."

Legolas nodded, as if he came upon squirrelfishes called Bird every day. And seeing as most of the time he lived in Legolas-Land, he probably did.

"So, the sign…" he said, nodding along in a friendly way.

Bird's little face lit up. He did so love to talk about his sign. "Yes, just got it back from the shop. Cool, eh?"

"Why 'canoe just for fun'?"

"Well, you know so many people work so hard in their canoe jobs nowadays that they stop seeing the fun side of it. My aim in life is to put the fun back in to canoeing for ever man, woman and child! Oh, and elves, cats, hobbits, wizards, dwarfs, ringwraiths and dark lords."

"It's nice to know you cater to a wide range of people."

"Isn't it just?"

"So…can we have a canoe?"

"…Sure."

Bird gave them a special horse-sized canoe, and began to paddle them out into the middle of the river.

"I say," remarked Bird, suddenly coming over all posh, "You wouldn't have happened to have seen my father's cousin on your journeys, would you?"

Nogm waved her tail thoughtfully in the air, "I wouldn't know, what's his name?"

"Morris."

Legolas, Nogm and Darwin looked shiftily at each other. Finally Legolas spoke up, "Yeah, we saw him. I believe he's gone on a bit of a trip…"

"Where to?" Asked Bird, surprised.

"…Mount Doom."

"Oh. That's odd, and frankly worrying, taking into account all the larva and stuff…do you happen to know why he's going there?"

"Erm, because I tricked him into it."

"I see." Unfortunately for Legs and Nogm (and indeed Darwin), Bird had a very quick temper, and was not happy that his father's cousin had been tricked into going to Mount Doom. He gave the canoe a squirrelfish kick, and sent it spinning out of control down the river. He later came to regret this, as it meant he lost a perfectly good canoe. It was also totally unnecessary, as he knew that his father's cousin would get only a couple of miles towards Mount Doom when he realised he didn't know the way, and would turn around. However, Bird was a generally happy little squirrelfish (when he wasn't losing his temper), so he just shrugged his little squirrelfishy shoulders and went back to smiling cheerily at strangers.

All the same, this still left Nogm, Legolas and Darwin spinning down the river in a canoe. And to add to the situation, it had only just dawned on Nogm that they were in an extremely unstable boat in the middle of a large river, which she wasn't _best_ pleased about.

As he somehow managed to steady the canoe, and began paddling it slowly downstream, Legolas mused on the fact that those 'how to handle a spinning canoe when you have a horse and an insane cat on board' classes had actually come in useful.

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a-muses-inspiration – Squirrelfishes are go!


	5. Xmas Special!

A/N: Apologies for lateness; I seem to be extremely busy lately. So, as this will be my last chapter post before January, I'll wish you all a merry Christmas and a happy new year!

Now, enjoy the extra-special Christmas…special!

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As they canoed on, it began to snow. They didn't think much of this, until they began to see small children having snowball fights and building snowmen, and the sound of carols filled the air. Nogm sniffed suspiciously at the smell of baking, then gasped and covered her ears (they were getting cold).

"What's wrong?" Ever attentive to his cat's ears, Legolas looked half worriedly, half nervously at Nogm.

"Don't panic, but…I think we've accidentally wandered into a Christmas special!"

"Erm…what's a Christmas special?"

Nogm stared at him in astonishment, "Christmas specials are when a regular…thing is taken and made all Christmassy with a special festive plot! And the people in them usually have to find Santa Claus, or learn the true meaning of Christmas or something. They always lurk around at this time of year, waiting to trap innocent travellers."

Legolas shrugged, "Doesn't sound so bad to me."

"What do you mean 'doesn't sound bad?! Think of all the cold snow, and the children running around shrieking with glee, and all the food…" Her eyes widened with realisation, "Oh…."

"I think we ought to go and find a lot of food. I mean, you always need food in a Christmas special…I would guess."

They toddled off, and had got nearly 100 metres further down river when Nogm gasped, "Legolas! This must be our Xmas special quest! To find food!"

Legolas considered it for a moment…"It's a bit pants, isn't it?"

"As far as Christmas special quests go? Yes."

"I think maybe we should liven it up a bit."

"I think maybe we should."

They sat and pondered on what they could do, when suddenly someone wandered randomly out of the bushed right next to them.

"Legolas, I wasn't expecting to see you here." Said Aragorn, mildly surprised.

"I wasn't expecting to be here." Replied Legolas, feigning glumness. "We got trapped by the Christmas special, and now we're trying to work out a way to liven things up a bit."

Aragorn nodded solemnly. "You don't think it could be anything to do with…her?" He asked, glancing with slight fear at the sky.

Nogm glanced from elf to man. "Who?"

Legolas, ignoring his cat, simply told him "No, I don't think so."

"Ok then. So, what's your quest?"

"To find food."

"Oh…that's a bit…"

"I know."

"So, uninventive 'quest', little actual plot, are you sure it has nothing to do with her?"

"I'm sure, ok???"

"Sorry!"

"I forgive you Aragorn."

Nogm hissed impatiently, "Precisely **who** has this got nothing to do with?"

Aragorn and Legolas looked apprehensively at each other, "_An authoress"_ whispered Legolas, seeming to be afraid that if he said it loudly she might appear.

"She kidnapped us for two fics, a few months ago." Aragorn said, filling in the gaps.

"Ah." Nogm had always wondered where Legolas had disappeared to during the periods of time that Aragorn spoke of.

After a few minutes of silence, Aragorn finally thought of something to say:

"Can I join you on your quest? Only, I just sort of appeared here, and I don't have anything else to do..."

"Sure! Come with us!" Said Legolas brightly. "The cat's called Nogm. She talks. And the horse is Darwin!"

"You sound remarkably cheerful about that." Remarked Aragorn, and they set off in search of food. Also, 'cause of all the snow it was extremely cold, and standing still for a long time hadn't done their temperatures any good.

"I wish we had a nice warm place to be…" Mused Legolas, despite the fact that elves don't feel the cold.

At that moment, they rounded a corner (which had been specially built just three weeks before) to find a lovely, warm looking cottage. The door was ajar, and a note was pinned to it.

Aragorn took it off, and read out loud: "Oh, so you found this place at last? Come in and get the food already!"

They pushed the door open, and found the table inside completely covered in food.

"Hazaar!" Cried Nogm at the sight. However, the surprises were not over, for just then a sheep jumped out from under the table.

It wasn't just any old sheep though. It was, in fact, LOUISE THE SHEEP!

Legolas screamed in a girlish way, hid behind Darwin, and managed to work up the courage to say: "What are you doing here?!"

Louise the Sheep raised a woolly eyebrow, "I appear to be making a cameo appearance."

Aragorn dragged Legolas out from behind the horse. "I told you it was something to do with…_her_!"

Louise the Sheep turned round from where she'd been examining a particularly scintillating floor tile. "You mean the Mighty Authoress? She says 'hi'. She also says to get on with the plot."

They all stared at her in terrified silence.

"Oh, didn't you realise? You've all been abducted into another fic!"

Aragorn was the first to break the quiet. "Meh. Could be worse. At least we have food."

"That's true." said Louise the Sheep, "By the way Legolas, it would be daft to break a time-honoured sheep tradition: you have stupidly pointy ears. Anyway, I must be off. Ciao!"

Legolas let out a wimper, and she disappeared randomly up the chimney.

Before leaving, the four travellers stuffed their pockets with food. Well, Legolas and Aragorn did. Being animals, Nogm and Darwin didn't have any pockets.

As they came out of the cottage, the air of blatant cheeriness dissipated somewhat, to less annoying levels.

"Thank goodness, the Christmas special's over!" Sighed Nogm. "I guess we'd better be on our way then…"

And so the continued along their way, singing:

"We wish you a merry elf-mas,

We wish you a merry elf-mas,

We wish you a merry elf mas,

And a furry new year!"

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a-muses-inspiration – He was indeed taking those classes! Handy, eh?

Chibi Lauryn – Squirrelfishes are indeed cool! In fact they are cool-meisters! We should worship squirrelfishes! Okay, maybe not…

freak and proud – Yup, I've heard of the Darwin awards. For some reason, it was just the first name that came to mind…

Dreamality – Ah, you can thank my friend Naomi (otherwise known as Nogm) for Bird. She worked out a whole family tree. And I think maybe the canoe was gigantic, allowing Darwin to fit in with ease.


	6. Scary elf

A/N: Just realised I didn't put a disclaimer on the last chapter, and as I can't be bothered to re-load the entire chapter, let this disclaimer count for both of them:

_Disclaimer: I do not own LotR, nor any of the characters within the trilogy. However, I either own, or have joint ownership of, anything else. Except things originally written by Shakespeare._

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"Nogm?"

"Yes?"

"…Nogm?"

"YES?"

"…I'm hungry!"

Once more, Nogm sighed in exasperation. "Legolas dear, much as I love you, you are remarkably stupid. In case you don't remember, we just left a Christmas special. A Christmas special in which we were obliged to find a lot of food. You took quite a bit of that food. How can you be hungry?"

"I don't know. I just am. Maybe my stomach's too big!" A look of sudden worry and fear crossed the elf's face, "What if it really is too big? So that I have to constantly eat to fill it up, and then I'll explode!"

Aragorn approached Legolas and, in a loving, caring way, whacked him round the head.

"Thank you Aragorn."

"You're welcome Nogm."

"So…then…we're in a fic." Aragorn looked around, wondering if he would spy an uninventively named bad guy. However, all he saw was a deer, which ran out onto the path in front of them.

"Hahaha!" It laughed, "You didn't fall for that one, did you?! That's a classic!"

"But then why was Louise the Sheep there?"

"Even sheep have to go somewhere."

"You're a very insightful deer."

"I know. I come from an extremely articulate family."

"What does that have to do with it?"

"Not a lot, I just like to mention it."

Nogm gave the deer a mystified look, and it bounded off up a handy near-by mountain.

"Well", Aragorn pondered, "That makes everything a lot more pleasant, don't you think, Legolas?"

"…How long has that mountain been here?"

"Shall I hit him, or do you want to Aragorn?"

Aragorn shook his head, "It's too early in the day for hitting princes". (A/N – tell me what that's a reference to and get a cookie)

Legolas, oblivious to practically everything, once more began to whine: "I'm still hungry!"

Nogm growled under her breath, before spotting something at the side of the path.

"Legolas, do you like mushrooms?"

"Mushrooms?! They're my absolute favourite fungus!"

"That's…scary. Anyway, there's a mushroom down there. Eat it and stop complaining."

"But…it's blue."

"You've never eaten a blue mushroom before?"

"No."

"You haven't lived. Hurry up."

Legolas shrugged his shoulders, dismounted and picked the mushroom. He look at it long and hard before finally taking a bite. Aragorn glanced at Nogm.

"Well, how is it?"

He chewed thoughtfully for a moment, before reply, "It certainly has a pleasant texture, the general taste is not too sweet without being overly so, and it has slightly zesty undertones, though I'm sure a better-educated palette would be able to assess it better."

Nogm, Aragorn and Darwin looked fearfully at the elf as he finished his mushroom. Finally, Nogm worked up the courage to speak to him.

"Leggy dear, are you feeling alright?"

"Well, I'm a little fatigued from the day's riding, but I'm confident that I shall be less so on the morrow. That mushroom has appeased my stomach of its incessant rumblings, and I feel quite capable of continuing our journey. Shall we proceed?"

As they walked, Aragorn leaned forward to whisper in Nogm's ear, "I don't think it was a good idea giving him that mushroom. It seems to have made him smart, and that is, quite frankly, scary."

"I know. How can we get him to snap out of it?"

"We could hit him over the head with a branch."

"You think that would work?"

"I don't know, but it would be funny."

Aragorn selected a suitable branch from the forest floor, and whacked Legolas 'round the back of his head. The elf turned to him with an angry look in his eye.

"Oh fie upon thee! It feels as though you have struck my occipital lobe with a coloquintida!"

Aragorn raised an eyebrow, "Translation please?"

Legolas rolled his eyes (and Nogm was startled to find how well he had copied her).

"I said: 'Damn you! It feels like you've hit the back of my brain with a bitter cucumber!'"

Aragorn turned to Nogm, "Yup, definitely something wrong with him."

Shaking his head, Legolas also looked to Nogm, "Is he not light of brain? I declare I am of good health!"

Nogm smiled sympathetically and Legolas, "See, this is the thing Legolas. That mushroom you ate? Aragorn and I are pretty certain it gave you creepy intelligence. And we're trying to work out how to get you back to your lovably dumb self."

"My dear Nogm, I believe that this matter has been rather exsufflicated." He saw the looks of incomprehension his friends were giving him, "Goats and monkeys! I said I think that this issue's been blown out of proportion!"

"Of course you did, Legolas."

"_Aragorn!"_

Fortunately, at that point Aragorn decided to gag Legolas, thus preventing him for saying anything else.

"We need to get to Rivendell."

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A/N: Very scary. Smart Legolas (shivers). Anyway, onto the review replies. Oh, and by popular demand (of one person) you can now send messages to the characters.

My replies –

a-muses-inspiration – No sweetie, you can't spell :) I'll make sure Legs canoes to your classes in time in future.

freak and proud – No longer does leggy have the brain of a walnut! And there are nightly and daily authoresses. The nightly authoress comes up with plot, the daily authoress forgets it and writes something entirely different.

Chibi Lauryn – Christmas is great. Leggy got ear warmers.

Dreamality – It couldn't be Christmas without Louise the Sheep now, could it? Glad you liked it :D

Darwin replies –

freak and proud – neigh

Nogm replies –

freak and proud – I will go gently on them, IF I MUST. I guess we've got a long way to go, according to this map we've only moved 6 inches already...

Aragorn replies –

freak and proud – Amazing…great ideas, I may have to try them (evil laugh)

Legolas replies –

freak and proud – Meanie. Merry Christmas…


	7. Elvis Medicine

A/N: Apologies for the delay in updating! I've been extremely busy, and was planning to do it last weekend, but an essay got in the way. However, it is finally here!

_Disclaimer: I do not own anything Tolkien created, and I don't own Elvis, or anything written by Shakespeare. In fact I don't own a lot of it. But I do own the plot, and pretty much everything you don't recognise._

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The next few hours proved to be oddly peaceful. Aragorn and Nogm's chatter was only occasionally interrupted by Legolas' attempts to speak through his gag, and they grew to know each other quite well.

However, problems arose when dinner time arrived. Naturally, they had to remove his gag so he could eat, but he _would_ insist on saying everything's name in Latin before he ate it.

Nogm wandered over to where Aragorn sat staring at a leaf.

"Why are you staring at that leaf?"

"I like leaves. Is it against the law to like leaves?! Leaves are fun; they have cool green veiny things!"

She stared in shock at Aragorn. His cheeks coloured and he hung his head.

"Sorry. Legolas being so smart and reciting things is making me tetchy."

"I know, I know." She patted him gently on the head. "But we'll be in Rivendell soon, and we can get him some good Elvis medicine."

Aragorn frowned slightly, "_Elvis_ medicine?"

"That's right, Elvis medicine! MEDICINE FROM THE KING!"

"…_I'm_ the king!"

"But Elvis is so much better…and he can sing."

"But he's dead!"

"He's not! Don't say that! He's working at a chip shop in the grey havens!"

"…Whatever Nogm."

Thankfully, they suddenly realised that, without noticing, they had somehow arrived at Rivendell.

"Gasp!" Cried Nogm, "We're here!"

The sight of Imladris caused Aragorn and the cat to forget their quarrel, and they made their way with a mumbling Legolas to Elrond's private rooms.

They found him in his study…studying something. He stood up as they entered, and his eyebrows rose as he saw the gagged Legolas.

"Erm, Aragorn? Is there any particular reason that you've seen fit to gag Legolas? And…why is there a horse in my study?"

As it happened, Aragorn hadn't noticed that Darwin had followed them up, though he had thought it a little odd that Nogm had been at eye level to him.

"We gagged Legolas because he ate a mushroom."

"I see."

"And it made him really smart."

"That must have been quite scary to begin with, but surely you could get used to it?"

Nogm tugged on the gag, freeing Legolas' mouth. He had been mumbling incoherently for a while now, and finally they could here what he was saying:

"…It was then that I discovered the effulgent gem, which had been secreted from me in a place that none, but he, knew!"

Elrond's jaw dropped in amazement, "You're right. There's definitely something wrong with him."

"Damnation! Is it impossible for you to comprehend that I am the same elf I was this morning? I fear for your wits! I say again, there is nothing wrong with me!"

Ignoring the elf throwing a hissy fit, Nogm looked straight at Elrond, "So, can you cure him?"

"I have some of the best healers in the land, and I'm sure Legolas isn't the first to have eaten this type of mushroom. I expect we can have him back to normal very quickly."

"Yay! Time for Elvis medicine!"

Elrond glanced at Aragorn, "Elvis medicine? Has she eaten something, too?"

Aragorn shook his head tiredly, "No. Don't ask."

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A/N: Extreme apologies for both the lateness and shortness of this chapter. I promise I'll try to do better next time.

My replies…

Dreamality – You can indeed now communicate with the characters. Enjoy :)

freak and proud – I'm sure Legs will be pleased to hear that!

Marisa – Thank you :D Always nice to know I'm appreciated.

Chibi Lauryn – Congratulations, you win the cookie! Well done.

a-muses-inspiration – Nogm hun, what on earth is a coloquintinda??? Hmm…shall I give you a cookie…yes.

Nogm replies…

freak and proud - A hobbit? Like, one of those curly beardless dwarfs? I mean, I've had Elrond call me precious before, but hobbits? That IS an odd thought... ponders

Dreamality - I love you too, Dreamality. And if you ever need a mouser, don't call me. I'm recovering from a serious addiction.

Darwin replies…

freak and proud – Stamp.

Dreamality – Nuzzle.

Aragorn replies…

Dreamality – I know, I know. It's terrible…wait, a fic? That deer said it wasn't a fic…I'm confused…

freak and proud – I used that trick a couple of years back. It was extremely funny. He didn't speak to me for a week…but then he had to, because I'd hidden his shampoo, and if he didn't ask me where it was he'd have never got it back. Happy days.

Legolas replies…

Dreamality – In which case, I assume you are no longer planning on playing that game which involves tying me up? Then, I suppose every cloud has a silver lining. I cannot imagine what all the fuss is over this mushroom…

freak and proud – I am above such things! (checks to see no one's watching) (pulls worse face) Ha!


	8. Poking sticks

A/N: Once more, apologies for the shortness of last chapter. I was very tired and brain-blocked when I wrote it, and will strive to make this chapter much longer! Also, apologies for the lateness (again) of this chapter. I know that my updates have been getting further and further apart recently, and with that in mind I've decided that the chapter after this one will be the last, as I simply don't have the time that the fic deserves to have spent on it. Enjoy while you can people!

_Disclaimer: You must have got the basic gist by now._

With the aid of various sticks and other poking devices, Elrond, Aragorn, Nogm and Darwin managed to manoeuvre Legolas up to the healer's rooms.

"Selwyn!" Elrond called the only healer in the room. Said healer jumped about a mile in the air before turning round to greet them, while obviously trying to hide something behind his back.

"Lord Elrond! I, ahem, wasn't expecting to see you!"

Elrond narrowed his eyes, "What have you got there, Selwyn?"

The healer hung his head, and unveiled a book. Elrond rolled his eyes, "What have I told you about importing those trashy paperback novels? If you _must_ read them, read them in your own time!"

Selwyn's cheeks coloured, "Yes Lord Elrond Sir."

At this point, Nogm, who was getting rather bored, piped up, "Do you have any cures for mushrooms?"

Selwyn thought for a moment, then answered with, "Well, it would depend what you mean by that. Do you mean something that would cure a mushroom of a disease, or something that would cure the effect of mushrooms, or something that would cure the fact that mushrooms are there, or…"

"Stop! Rewind! What would cure false intelligence brought on by eating a mushroom?"

"Oh, you refer to the musroom Fungus Smarticus?"

"Is it blue?" Asked Aragorn.

"Yes."

"That's our mushroom."

"Well then, it's quite simple really. He merely has to take the antidote."

"Aha!" Nogm smiled, "I knew it couldn't be so easy! Now I bet we have to go on a major adventure to find the really rare cure, with much action and hijinks along the way!"

"Erm, no. I have it here in this jar. He just has to swallow it and he'll be back to normal."

Now it was Aragorn's turn to smile in a resigned kinda way, "Oh, but I expect it has to be balanced very well, so we'll have many hilarious minutes of trying to get it right, with Legolas getting extremely dumb, then smart, then dumb, until we finally get the balance right?"

"No, it actually is a very simple process."

"Oh." Nogm frowned. "That can't be right."

Aragorn agreed, "It doesn't seem normal somehow."

Selwyn took what appeared to be some kind of leaf out of a jar, and approached Legolas with it. The scarily smart elf took one look at the medicine and said, "If you believe that I will consent to eat that, you must be mentally ill."

"Legolas," Nogm reasoned, "It's good for you. It will get you back to normal."

"For the last time, I am as normal as I ever was!"

Aragorn paused, "He has a point. He may not be normal now, but he's hardly what you'd call a regular elf on the best of days."

"Shhh. We're trying to convince him! Come on now Legolas, take your medicine like a good boy."

"Patronising me won't get you anywhere, Nogm."

"You know what this means, don't you?" Aragorn asked Nogm. She nodded.

"1…2…3…ATTACK!"

On Nogm's cry, both the man and the cat leapt into the air, landing on Legolas and pinning him to the ground.

Elrond looked at the three on the floor, "Well…that was unexpected."

The ever so slightly surprised Selwyn approached the floored elf, medicine in hand. Legolas suddenly found himself with a mouthful of leaf, and was so surprised he actually swallowed it without complaining.

"Do you feel any different?" Demanded Nogm, the second she saw her friend eat it.

Legolas merely looked up at her, before turning to Aragorn and observing, "You've got a nice face."

The cat smiled with relief, "He's back to normal…well, as normal as Legsie ever gets."

"I don't like being called 'Legsie'."

"Sure you don't."

"No, I really don't!"

"Suuuuure you don't."

"I'm going to ignore you now."

"Suuuuuuure you- I mean, ok."

"Get off me now Nogm."

The cat duly obliged, allowing the elf to rise once more to his feet.

"I still think he needs testing." Stated Aragorn, before asking: "Legolas, could you tell me where the quote, "Put out the light, and then put out the light" comes from?"

He looked puzzled, and tentatively answered, "An advert to persuade people to save energy?"

"Yup, he's definitely back to normal. So…can we stay here for a bit?"

Elrond looked mildly surprised, "What, in the healer's rooms?"

"No, I meant Rivendell."

"Oh, yes, I was just pretending to miss your meaning. Of course you can stay for a while."

"Thanks. Hang on…I've just remembered something that doesn't make sense. How come you weren't surprised when Nogm started talking?"

"Why should I be? We've had many long chats in the past when Legolas was visiting."

"Then why didn't you tell me I had a talking cat?" Chimed in Legolas, "It would have been nice to know."

"I assumed you already knew…how could you _not_ know?"

"It _is_ Legolas we're talking about here." Pointed out Nogm. "He's hardly the most observant of elves."

"I'm going to take that as an insult."

"You do that Legolas."

A/N: One more chapter to go! Just one more!

My replies…

Dreamality – I know, shortness was terrible. Hopefully this one's length is a mite better!

freak and proud – He's officially cured, and back to his loveable self.

Chibi Lauryn – It is a chocolate chip cookie. Glad you enjoyed it :D

Sandria Greenleaf – Happy to know you like it. 'Tis always nice to attract new readers.

Nogm replies…

Dreamality - (Lean)... Oh, no, I'm not upset or anything, just bored and sleepy. (Lean)

freak and proud - No. there is nothing going on there. Nothing at all. At least, that's what the government want you to think.

Darwin replies…

freak and proud - Forgiving stamp

Dreamality - Grateful crunch…of carrots

Aragorn replies…

Dreamality – Well, you see, after meeting Louise the Sheep and Nogm, it really doesn't surprise me any more when animals start speaking to me.

freak and proud – I expect he'd be there all day if I tried that…amusing, though.

Legolas replies…

freak and proud – It sounds familiar somehow…no idea what it means. Yeurch, did you **see** the leaves they made me eat? Oh, and: (pulls face taught to him by Elladan and Elrohir). It's not nice to swear.

Dreamality – Ah, poor Merry. Tell him I send my sympathy.


	9. Let's play dress up!

A/N: Despite many – well, a couple – pleas for the fic to continue, this will indeed be the last chapter. I've finally got around to writing it. After a whole year. Huzzah!

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything which belongs to Tolkien. Which goes without saying, actually._

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Aragorn gazed around at the Rivendell corridor, and realised something was wrong. It didn't take him long to work out what it was, as he realised he'd been standing perfectly still for many months while they awaited an update.

With a leap which generally indicates surprise, he realised that at last that day had come! Unfortunately though, nobody else seemed to have noticed, and as he couldn't be bothered to go and tell them, he just wandered off to the kitchen to get himself a snack.

Five days later, he returned to see how they were doing, and was rather less than surprised to find they were still exactly the same as he'd left them. He mused that it must be quite uncomfortable for Nogm, as she had clearly stopped moving halfway through a riverdance. However, the exact reason why she had been riverdancing in the first place was probably something best left unanswered.

Aragorn sighed, and decided that once again, he would have to take matters into his own kingly hands. But the question was, what to do to alert his friends to the fact that an update had, at long last, arrived? He could attempt to staple their ears, but he suspected that might come under the 'horse, cat and elf protection act', and could lead to him being forced to undergo a painful 'makeover'. He had seen other men come back from that terrible ordeal. They were usually all glittery around the eyelid region, and never the same afterwards. Tempting as the stapling idea was, it simply wasn't worth it.

So after spending many seconds pondering on possible awakening-plans, Aragorn suddenly realised the answer to his problem was staring him right in the face.

"Would anybody like a bite of my sandwich?"

And lo! There was life! Legolas sprang towards him like a…springy elfy thing, and wolfed down Aragorn's sandwich.

"…I said a bite. _**A**_. Not 'please come and eat my wholesandwich'! If I had meant for you to eat my whole sandwich I would have said so, but no! I said you could have a bite! Remember what happened the last time you were hungry and impulsive? You became far too smart and began quoting Shakespeare! You ought to have learned your lesson from that!"

Nogm, Legolas and Darwin stared at the quietly smoking king. Finally Nogm spoke up:

"Aragorn, did you know that your hair is on fire? You really shouldn't stand so close to that flaming torch."

"Yes I did know that, thank you very much."

"Now your collar's on fire too."

Trying to keep a shred of his dignity intact, Aragorn suddenly dropped to the floor and began to roll around in a highly ineffectual manner. Nogm rolled her eyes, grabbed a handy fire extinguisher, and covered Aragorn in a lot of foam. This stopped the fire, but did make him look rather like a disgruntled snowman. But Nogm had never been one to see the glass half empty, and so broke into a celebratory jig.

Just at that moment, as a convenient plot device, Elrond rounded the corner.

"Ah, I see you're all up and about again. Though why you're dressed as a snowman, Aragorn, is anybody's guess. Or did someone forget to take your Christmas costume off you?"

Legolas, having gotten fed up of just standing around watching the hijinks, took the initiative (he was later made to give it back).

"What Christmas costumes?"

"Oh, well, seeing as you were all just standing around in my corridor for a year, we thought we'd make use of you at special occasions and turn you into festive decorations. I think you were Father Christmas Nogm, and Legolas, you were one of her little helpers."

"Why does everybody always think I'm smaller than her?"

"Only the wise man can say." Elrond suddenly realised he had become too mysterious, and to try and cover this up he smiled widely. Sadly, this turned out to be scarier. "And it wasn't just for Christmas, you know. We had great fun with you at Halloween. Look at the pictures!"

From an inside pocket, he drew out a sheaf of photographs, and handed them to Legolas. Nogm bounded eagerly onto Darwin's shoulders in order to get a better view. "Oh Legsie dearest, you make such an adorable pumpkin."

Aragorn looked up apprehensively from his position on the ground, "What am I?"

For no apparent reason, Nogm's voice became low and growly as she replied, "You're a wizard, Arry." She then looked up in puzzlement, "OK, someone explain the sudden husky voice and strangely familiar line?"

Elrond looked a bit shifty, "Well, you see, two of our young elf maidens named Sianum and Constanza have been showing her certain DVDs on a loop while you were frozen…they're Potter geeks."

Legolas nodded, attempting to look wise. Seeing as this look generally involved him crossing his eyes and nodding his head a lot, the others chose to ignore him.

Casually ripping up all evidence of herself dressed as Father Christmas, Nogm smiled benignly at Elrond, "Well, as we've been hanging around here for the last year or so, I suppose we had better be on our way…before you try and dress us up again. Erm…bye!" She bowed (quite a feat for a cat) and galloped Darwin down the corridor, leaving Legolas and Aragorn to shrug apologetically at Elrond and trudge after her.

They caught up with her on the bridge leading out of Rivendell, where she sat playing Pooh-sticks (_and to anybody who doesn't know what that game is, shame on you. Go and read the original Winnie the Pooh stories and come back when you're enlightened)_. She smiled in a scary and insane way as they approached.

"Are you feeling ok, Nogm?"

"Quite alright thank you, Aragorn. I was just musing that us cats are really the only ones entitled to throw hissy fits; after all, we are the only ones that actually hiss. What everyone else throws is in fact a squealing-shouty fit."

"Doesn't quite have the same ring to it, though" reflected Legolas, once more in his own unique and worrying world.

"Maybe not" agreed Nogm, "Can we go home now?"

"Seems like the right thing to do" replied Aragorn, "After all, we've been on a pointless quest and got nothing out of it, aside from a singed collar and slightly bruised ego. From my own experience, I would say this is the point where we get out of here. What do you think, Legolas?"

"…I like cheese."

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A/N: Well, there it is! The very last chapter, and what a…time it took to arrive. But I hope it wasn't too bad, seeing as I haven't actually written anything in this vein since February last year.

A huge thanks to all my wonderful reviewers throughout this fic, though I sincerely doubt any of you really care that much anymore, hehe. Apart from Nogm. Her being in it. That ought to make her care.

That reminds me, massive thanks to Naomi for letting me steal her name and personality for the duration. I can only hope it didn't do her long-term reputation any harm.

Hope to see you all again soon, my lovely readers!


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